Sunday, 27 October 2013

Let them eat Scone

Just how should 'scone' be pronounced?

I hit a bone
Upon a stone
I needed help so I used the phone

I called up Joan
Said I'm on my own
She said I should rest and eat a scone.

But when I went to eat the scone
I was alone.  The scone was gone.

Instead of scone, there was none - not one!
It cost a ton! I've been done!
This is no fun.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Santa Claus - What You Need To Know - Your Cut-Out and Keep Guide

Note for grown-ups.  Please print this out and read it with your child(ren).  It contains useful information about how to work with Santa.  
Or just use it as a source of excuses justifications for Santa.
Thanks very much.   Ken x

Hello.  I’m Ken.   I’m Santa’s Elf.  Yes, I know.  Ken isn’t much of an Elfy name.  It’s not my real name – my real name is very Elfy.  Really, really Elfy and so I’m not going to tell you it.  Not until you tell me yours. What's your name?

Oh that’s a nice name.  Much better than mine.  My real full name is Kenny-Wenny-Penny-Woo TwinkleToesAnBumAnPoo.  A very silly name, don't you think?  All elves have silly names like that.  I much prefer to be called Ken.  Wouldn’t you?

Santa only has one Elf – that’s me.  There are loads of other Elves round here doing a lot of the hard work but I’m the only one who works for Santa.  I’m his butler - I do all the cooking and cleaning and washing and....  Well actually, it isn't that bad.  It's certainly easier that being your Mum and having to pick up your stinky socks and skiddy pants and all the mess you leave behind.  Santa is easy to look after compared to you.  He only wears his red suit once a year - the rest of the time he slobs around the house in a MASSIVE onesie.  With a removable bum-panel for going to the loo!   That is what Santa wears all year.  It is very cold here and it keeps him nice and warm.  Do you know that he only takes the onesie off when he has his bath on Christmas Eve.   Yes.  One bath a year.  Stinky, huh?  Washing for Santa is easy.  I wash the onesie on Christmas Eve and the red suit on Christmas Day, when he's got back from delivering the presents.   Much, much easier than what your Mum or Dad has to do - washing clothes every day just so that you can go out and jump in puddles, rub against walls and wipe pasta sauce on yourself.  You should go and thank them right now - if they didn't do all of this for you, you'd be as stinky as Santa is.
Feeding Santa is easy too.   You might have noticed that Santa is a bit tubby.  That's hardly surprising - every year on Christmas Eve, he gets given millions of mince pies.  He can't eat all of them that night (although he tries!).  Instead, he brings them back and we store them up and he eats them throughout the year.  Santa doesn't like to waste food and so he eats all the pies.  And it shows!  
He also has to drink a lot of milk and bring back a lot of sherry.  The milk isn't much of a problem as long as the reindeer remember to let him stop for a Santa-wee.  
When he gets home and has fed the reindeer, he starts to drink the sherry. A little while later, he staggers into the cottage, tells me that he loves me and that I'm his best mate.  Then he goes to sleep until April.
That's the washing and the cooking.  Very easy.   Not as easy as the cleaning.  I simply never do the cleaning up.  Like you.  The place is rather messy but we don't have grown-ups to keep on at us about tidying stuff away. Unlike you.

Anyway, Santa has asked me to make sure that you lot know all the Santa Facts.  It seems that every year there some smarty-pants going round telling people that Santa doesn't exist or that your grown-ups do the shopping.  Santa would like me to explain a few things so that you know the truth about Santa.  If you know all about Santa and what he likes, he'll be there on Christmas Eve.  But if you tell stories about Santa that aren't true...  well... You had better like bogies.

Santa Fact - He does not like greedy children sending long lists
Santa likes children who send short, sweet and kind letters that tell him about the lovely things you have been doing this year.  Santa does not like long lists of presents that you want.  Santa is quite lazy you know - long lists of toys from greedy children mean too much work for him.  Short lists please.

Santa Fact - Santa gets your grown-ups to do the shopping:
Santa doesn’t ‘do’ shopping.  People will notice if a rather smelly fat man wearing a red onesie and munching on a mince pie, wanders into a toy shop and buys everything in the place.  Instead, Santa talks with your grown-ups to decide who has been good and gets presents and who has been bad and just gets bogies or worse.  Then Santa gets the grown-ups to do the shopping and look after the presents until Santa arrives on Christmas Eve.  Your grown-ups will do the Christmas shopping.  Santa will not.  If you see them buying presents, it is because Santa won't do it.   (He is quite lazy, you know)

Santa Fact - He makes your grown-ups store the presents:
Santa has a lot of magic but he doesn’t like to waste it on storing presents and then carrying ALL of them around on his sleigh.  Instead, he asks grown-ups to look after the presents for him.  On Christmas Eve, he turns up and then picks up the presents from the grown-ups in the house and then delivers them.  Yes I know this sounds a bit lazy – he only delivers them from your Mum’s wardrobe to under the tree.  But he is quite busy.  And he is quite lazy, you know.

What?  You found some presents in your house and thought your grown-ups got them? Read the first Santa Fact again, silly.   The presents in your house are part of the deal between the grown-ups and Santa. They are working as a team to get you your presents. Do not spoil this by looking for and finding the presents.  Unless you like getting bogies for Christmas.  Other peoples’ bogies!

EH??  You thought that because there were presents in your house it meant that Santa doesn’t exist???  Well!  That’s sillier than a Mr Silly's super-silly silly pants!  Didn’t you read any of the Santa Facts?  You really should keep quiet about thinking that Santa doesn’t exist.  If he hears that you’ve said that, you can look forwards to a big box of bogies on Christmas morning.   If he hears that you’ve told other children that he doesn’t exist, you won’t even get bogies!  All you’ll get is a snotty stocking.  Santa gets a runny nose sometimes and he loves to blow his nose on naughty children’s stockings. You have been warned!

Santa Fact - You don't have to have a chimney for Santa to deliver presents:
Houses without chimneys are no problem for Santa.  He uses magic to make himself super-small or super-thin or super-stretchy to get through what tiny chimney you might have. Or he just gets let inside by a grown up.  Do not worry if you don’t have a chimney – Santa will always get through – even if you live in really modern house that is sealed up so tight, even a tiny mouse would need a digger to get in. Santa is magic.  Do not forget that.

Santa Fact - Santa uses magic to deliver presents all over the world in just one evening.
Santa has to deliver to millions and millions of homes in just one short night.  There aren’t many hours between the time you finally get to sleep  (usually after you’ve driven your grown-ups mad) and the time you get up again to check that he’s been (this also drives your grown-ups mad).   In those few hours, Santa has to go to every house in every country in the world.  He has to pick up presents, deliver presents, eat mince pies, drink sherry and blow his nose on bad children’s stockings millions and millions of times.   That is far too much work for just one Santa.  Luckily, Santa has some clever magic up his sleeve.  No.  The other sleeve.  That sleeve just has his hanky for when there are no bad children’s stocking to blow his nose on.
On Christmas Eve, Santa uses his magic to turn himself, his reindeer and his sleigh into thousands and thousands of Santas and reindeers and sleighs.  He magics up a whole army of Santas simply by clicking his fingers.  One sharp CLICK and then a loud FLUTFLUTFLUT as thousands of Santas, reindeers and sleighs appear out of thin air.
All of these Santas are exactly the same as each other.  They are all Santa Claus – there is nothing to tell them apart.  Thousands and thousands of identical Santas – all perfect copies of Santa Claus himself.  Santa likes to call them his ‘Santa Clones’.

Every one of the thousands of Santas gets given a list of children’s addresses and then WHOOOSH!!  Off they all go to bring joy or bogies or snot to the children on their list. Every Santa will only do a few children that night but because there are thousands and thousands of Santas, everybody gets a visit.

You might think that it is a bit of a swizz to only be visited by a copy Santa.  But the Santa that visits you is the real and original Santa Claus – the one and only Santa Claus.  It’s just that there are thousands all the same.

There’s even a name for this trick that Santa does.  It is call OMNIPRESENTS.

Once every child has been visited by one of the thousands and thousands of Santas, they all return to the North Pole.  They all click their fingers at the same time -  SNAP! – and then a single loud FLUT as all the Santas, all the reindeers and all the sleighs disappear and just the one and only, truly original Santa is left. 

We did have a big problem one year when the magic went a bit wrong and we were left with some spare Santas. But that's a story for another time.

So those are the Santa Facts.  I hope you found them useful.  Don't forget to be extra nice to your grown-ups and maybe they'll tell Santa that you are a really good child and that you should not get a snotty sock for Christmas.

Christmas is still a little while away  - but we're all very busy here at the North Pole and so I'll sign off and let you get on with being good, or tidying away or just telling your grown-ups how lovely they are. 

Happy Christmas!

Ken. x